i think i'm getting closer to the point of walking away. shrugs. i'm just going to follow my heart. and stop thinking. that's the best solution i can think of now.

its amazing how similar two ppl can be. hmms. i was reading someone's blog just now, and the things that were written, were practically identical to what i wrote. just that the person wrote it ages before me, and i had never seen that blog till today. shrugs.

this obsession with smells is seriously lethal. and it can be abit creepy sometimes. like when there's a smell i like, i'll just close my eyes and breathe in deeply. and just lose myself in that smell. be it the cold crisp air on a saturday morning. or the smell on a person's clothes. or the smell of cologne. it just brings this torrent of emotions and sometimes memories. its really dangerous. losing yourself in the senses.

i need to get a grip. desperately.

thank god angie's coming down next weekend (: i miss and love that girl to bits. i'm seriously needing a ray of sunshine. haha.

i've got two nights out in a row lined up for next week. i'm seriously needing alcohol and some mindless escapism. before i get chided. i must say i haven't been out this whole term at all. AT ALL. wtf la. first week i was rushing essays. second & third was spent sick and recovering. 4th onwards was rehearsals stuff. haha. but after se7en, many parties just can't compare alr? shrugs. but yes, i'm going out out out next week. cos i need it. and after a night of revelations, and seeing all the ppl here. my standard of guai has gone down wayyy lot. i think i'm freaking guai here la. cannot compare to lynn they all, but i still think compared to alot of ppl here. i'm such an angel -.- like angie said. our idea of black and white has shifted greatly. everything is in shades of grey. nothing's really bad/wrong anymore. haha. and i think that's opening my mind to alot of things.

i'm eating bahu dry. cos i'm so freaking hungry, and i'm just way too tired to cook. haha. this is bad. i need to lose weight damnit.

whirring thoughts.

moon river

wider than a mile

i'm crossing you in style

someday

i'm jealous. so bloody jealous. i want that so much. i need to prepare myself for the day where i have to walk away. i can't get entangled in the things i left singapore to get away from. i like my life now, simple and fussfree. a bit drama here and there. but nothing major. i just want something simple. that's all i ask. and if i can't get that, i'll walk away and forget everything. i think i'm getting good at this. its amazing how easily i can na de qi, fang de sia nowadays.

yay to me then.

ramblings ramblings ramblings. hello lydia (:

i'm in tort lecture now. typing away on kaylene's lovely macbook ((: hahaha. cos of kaylene and ashraf, my lousy apple skills are improving (y) i feel like hurling. gum and rice custard pudding just doesn't go eh. plus i'm still coughing, my chest hurts, my body aches and basically i'm in one of my tired cranky moods.

but i asked for this didn't i. taking on the play. taking on the lead. it was all part of it. just like dance night prep. and though i'm so bloody tired, and i feel each day just melts into each other with the nonstop production rehearsals and prep.. i'm happy (with a mixture of alot other conflicting emotions), but the bottom line is i'm happy. the general happiness i get from being here in london and in life, together with the kind of happiness i used to only get from rj dance & dance night prep. the feeling of having accomplished something each day. makes me feel that if i were to die in my sleep, i'd die a happy girl. hahaha. morbid thoughts eh.

i need to fight the urge to bolt

overload of everything.

my head aches.

my heart hurts.

my chest just feels like there's a black hole in there, sucking everything out of it. leaving me out of breath.

i'm exhausted. i wonder how long i can this up before i crash and burn.

or maybe i have already.

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education:

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

my heart aches for my dear friend who has lost his trust and faith in the world. cheer up alright (: it pains me to see you so down.

i'm sitting here. typing really calmly. but so many million thoughts are just running at a thousand miles per hour through my head. they're just speeding by in those blurs of lights i get in my photos when i leave the camera on long exposure.

skyping with jerrine was loveeeee. like i said before, we were never constantly in each other's lives. but everything just falls into place when we talk. it makes my heart ache with missing ppl.

and yet sometimes the smallest things makes my heart want to burst with joy (:

tomorrow looks to be one hell of an interesting day. smirks.

ohhh (((: i'm so happy for singapore! hahaha, found out only after reading lynn's blog :p but YAY FOR SINGAPORE! my patriotism nowadays knows no bounds really. hahaha.

whee. i hope it'll be at e new national stadium :D then i can just cross e bridge to watch e games. GYMNASTICS!!!! ooh i can't absolutely wait.

[edit] my neighbours think i'm schizo. cos i keep talking to myself in my room, in varying volumes, in varying emotions -.- i feel like pasting a message outside my door 'REHEARSING LINES DAMNIT! not schizo' haha. but oh yes.

MERGERS & ACCUSATIONS (my play) IS ON 12TH MARCH 2008 WEDS 7.45pm! 8 quid tickets. please do comeee (: i will love you greatly. hahaha. finally things are more or less settled. whew.

dinner dinner tonight (: alot alot of ppl are coming. including minshin & jasmine. whoopee. i hope there's enough food. otherwise must go buy chicken cottage again. whahaha. funny.

i realise that alot of ppl whom i didn't warm to immediately, turn out to be some of my best friends ever. its the same with screw. and alot of ppl.

rachel: we all thought she was going to be head-prefect :p scared e shit out of me hahaha.

ming: she and i used to stare at each other not knowing what to say

cass: we used to have the bitchiest fights. whaha. starting from me telling her on e first day she had a kiam pa face

stef: we never did quite get each other at the start. ahahaha.

deb: i thought she was damn dao, she thought i looked bitchy. smirks, and we told each other straight to the face

yipeng: oh he knows very well what i used to think of him. hahaha.

suefaye: i used to think she was damn mean for laughing at me for hugging mel all e time. hahaha.

dione: i thought she was f-ing insane. well i still do. hahaha.

jerrine: she stole my carrotcake! hahahaa.

hongmin: she used to blast my ears off in j1 -.-

but I LOVE YOU ALL MUCHOMUCHOMUCHO NOW & FOREVER! hehe

and coming to london. this theory proved so right again. hahaha. its funny how alot of the closer friends here, never did click with me in e beginning, but its all good now (((: i like alot. [/edit]

: stand by me :: oasis :

i'm tired. sighs. what's new. stayed up till 6 am finishing my bloody property essay. wrote a whole load of bull. but property seminar today was ((((: hahaha. pottage is loveee i tell you. the seminar was so good. hahaha.

i was astounded by two incidents regarding the generosities of lse students today. two bloody extremes i tell you -.- but nee seriously blew me away. she's such an absolute darling i tell you. haha.

i'm so tired and feeling so yucky and disgusting, i'm resorting to chocolate to make myself feel good. when i have to resort to food (high calorie foods) to make myself better, its a bad situation.

i heart angie (((: so much so much.

i really admire ppl who can sing and play musical instruments. haha, seeing as i can do neither. piano nearly killed me when i was a kid. persevered till grade 4 before i snapped and stopped. haha. i could never keep beat, i used to drive my piano teacher insane with the speeding up and slowing down of my pieces. heh. these were the two performing arts i never could master. which always makes me abit sad sometimes. i adore musicals. only if i could sing.. i'd do a musical. haha. but its not like i can't appreciate music. i'm super sensitive to music. i can't be without my ipod :p i think its cos music gives you the emotions and beat to dance to. shrugs. i always did like attaching songs to people and memories.

i heart rg girls (: forever and always

: chariot :: gavin degraw :

acoustic (: only way to go

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it

I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted

I fell right through the cracks

And now I'm trying to get back

Before the cool done run out

I'll be giving it my bestest

Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention

I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more

It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me

Open up your plans and damn you're free

Look into your heart and you'll find love love love

Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me

I love peaceful melody

It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more

It cannot wait I'm sure

There's no need to complicate

Our time is short

This is our fate, I'm yours

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror

And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer

My breath fogged up the glass

And so I drew a new face and laughed

I guess what i'm saying is there ain't no better reason

To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons

It's what we aim to do

Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more

It cannot wait I'm sure

There's no need to complicate

Our time is short

This is our fate, I'm yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me

Open up your plans and damn you're free

Look into your heart and you'll find the sky is yours

Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me

i'm falling in love with this song (: hahaha. kudos to ashraf for tonights concert (((:

fashion weekend with hongmin was love as usual. haha. i heart that cursing smoking girl to death i tell you. hahaha.

everything is looking up ((: i feel so blessed at this point in time. haha. so many things to come. whee. from the dinner i'm cooking on friday night. with handmade tang yuans. to mahjong with lynn. rehearsals on sat. pancakes lunch with chongs on sunday. rehearsals on sunday night. KAYLI'S COMING TO LONDON ON SUNDAY NIGHT FOR A WEEEEEEK :DDD i miss my jie to bits. haha. and angie baby being such a sweet darling and making the effort to come down in march. ooooh i can't wait. plus i hope there's a hakkasan somewhere in the mix. and our own dance group (hehe)

i just really hope it doesn't get pushed to summer..

i'm getting so addicted to rgs1978.blogspot.com. haha. jerrine!!! all your fault la :p hahaha. but it makes me miss rgs so much. now that i'm here in london. and you're in san fran, scry in spore, mel in michigan and everyone else all around the world. we're all scattered out, so far apart now. but i like to take comfort in the thought that no matter where i am in the world, if i reach out, i'll be able to find a rg girl (: that no matter what, there's someone there (of different age or year) who will be able to share that secret smile with me. the sisterhood, the school spirit. haha.

i was never huge on school spirit. hell i thought it was bloody insane. till rgs came. haha. from 202, 408, netball carnivals, swimming carnivals, sports day, national day fashion show, to rgs tramp. training together with my darling b div 04 team, conditioning, competing, cheering each other on. haha. i just keep reminiscing on all these cos it was really the best time of my life. i'm happier generally now than last time, but the extreme happiest times had to be 2004. haha.

the other night at the suka dinner. looking at all the old ppl (when i say old, i mean old). i had this funny urge to ask everyone if there were any old rg girls there :p haha. i asked lynn, and she said most probably yeah. and then with the raffles nite prep for uk coming up. i just want to go back to rgs so badly. sing the school song. stone in our 408 classroom that i gotta climb 4 bloody levels to. and everyday, there'd be one member of e screw gang who'd be aching from conditioning, so we'd have to slowly make our way up and down. hahaha. then the crazy teachers we had. the stupid things we used to do.

then ever since kat and i both started doing m&a together (our play). we've been spending more time with each other ((: talking abt present and past. haha. then during our scenes together, the directors kept commenting on how we two have so much chemistry together, the familarity and all that. and it just brought back this feeling of like back in rg. the feeling of going home (:

my darling mingkie-poo

steffish (:

racial harmony day 04! haha. we were supposed to be prep students. ended up stef became count dracula -.- haha. kat screamed so loud stef got a shock of her bloody life. grins, no pun intended. hahaha.

rach (((: before she shunned my camera. or maybe cos it was graduation. shrugs.

our screw table (((: where everyday i get interrogated on what i was eating. they can see through everything, through me especially.. like no one else could. haha.

seto! hahaha. i miss her sarcasm so much. and her scathing looks (((: shit, just thinking of her stupid 'eat shit' remarks make me want to cry. haha.

the road outside rgs.

screw (: 'the cupboard of my heart'

rgs b div tramp team 04. huihui, wenxin, me, juee, mel & ziying (((:

rg tramp team 03. kayli & huiru :D

rgs art gym team 04. such wonderful memories. i miss teo ): he believed in me when not many did.. haha. and its amazing what a little belief in someone can do to that person. haha.

die. property essay must hand in. arghs.

tired. i feel like a piece of wet clothing that has been wrung dry.

property essay is seriously a pain in my arse.

its been only such a short period, yet i miss you already.

receiving two cheerup & jiayou messages, one through email, one through msn gives me the strength to keep on going (:

i suddenly feel like i need a ray of sunshine. ie. angie. haha.

i'm terribly missing the comfort of screw, mel and yipeng right now ): damnit.

falling sick. no no no cannot -.- (i can hear angela happily chirping 'cannot') haha. i really can't afford to fall sick. this is not good. vitamin c, cod liver oil & honey here i comeee.

the convo today with yipeng left me missing everything even more. but at least this idiot is of some use once in awhile. hahaha :p

i'm being forced to work harder than ever. and there are times where i really feel like shit cos i think i'm letting them down. and it just eats at me. the emotional effort it goes into this role is so draining. that after every rehearsal i feel like i'm being pulled in different directions with so many conflicting emotions. it doesn't help that so many things have been mixed in, or that i have to go through so many ups and downs either. i totally understand what tan kheng hua meant when she got lost in the character. though i don't think i'm fully able to bring out the character yet, i'm trying my darnest. and its coming to the point where its just consuming my every moment.

wan jun has new eyecandy (((: yum yum. was always a sucker for that kind.

anyway, slept till 5 pm today. feeling so good. haha. then went for the ukssc dinner which was surprisingly quite fun :D thanks to david & chih chwen's 'barbie girl'. smirks. alot of ppl were there though 0_o haha. though i'm losing my voice from all e screaming now -.- doinks.

sighs. i really really need to stop thinking. my mind has just been floating around a few things lately. and i really can't wrap my mind around all of it. i know the more i think, the more i'll start imagining things. to the point where one day i think too much, then i'll just walk away. it used to be so bloody simple. i wish everything was just black and white. no greys. sighs.

i should be so damn busy that i don't have time to think. i've got singsoc stuff, my play, ppl to go out with, ppl to visit and alot of reading and essays to do. yet i find myself just sitting and staring into space so often. its funny how the simple things can make me so happy nowadays. like sitting in my bed, reading and having a nice hot cup of tea. the simple pleasures in life (:

i miss the night we walked along the singapore river. i miss sitting in forbidden city. i miss afternoons in toast. brunches in marmalade pantry. late night dinners by my poolside. driving down the ecp.

i'm so terribly in love with my room. i could stay in it forever (: hahaha.

massive dinner fri night -.- prep time!

sometimes the things that you do, make me feel so warm deep inside. that warmth carries me through the cold winter days.

ok. time to properly blog about athens (: haha. i heart greece (((: not their civil servants, but the actualy country -.- i definitely want to go back. either with someone special, or my parents. hahaha, weird combi yes. or maybe mel. cos she's so in love with sisterhood of traveling pants afterall. grins, but its to the greek islands. like mikonos or santorini. athens is pretty small, and though its gorgeous, full of history and incredibly interesting, there's only this amount of time u can spend there without getting bored or seeing the same place. hahaha.

anyway, since i've been back, i've been spending alot of time alone in my room just thinking about things, spacing out and reading (: i like. i haven't had much time to do that at all e past few weeks. ah wells. but all that has to stop today -.- cos i have 2 essays due next week, plus rehearsals tmr. doink doinks.

anyway, athens in photos (:

angela, kaylene & i on the plane ((: angela's baby (puppy to kaylene), and kaylene's chippy. i'm well WJ. ahaha. or mummy to angela. if u could catch that at all. hahaha.

streets of athens. very run-down city actually. haha.

the acropolis at night (:

the hotel we stayed at - fresh hotel. super cool boutique hotel. i love. but i must say the smoking indoors culture is a major turnoff -.- seriously. i was choking half the time. throat hurts from all e second hand smoke. grumbles.

us 3 in the hotel on the second day (:

the main city square. they had hearts all over the place for vday :D haha. the parliament building is behind me!

the beach at glyfada - this suburb we took the tram to. that's us running towards the sea :D haha. i adore this picture (((:

the lovely skies at glyfada. i'm obsessed with clouds if u haven't realised (;

i think this picture's perfect (: black and white. simple and gorgeous.

me in the middle of the tram tracks. ahaha.

sunset in plaka. i love the winding small streets ((:

kaylene! with the gorgeous flowers in our hotel.

angela baby (: hahaha. all frightened of the fish market. grins.

central market in athens. mummy would so love it. it'd be nicer if the vendors didn't keep calling out to you, yelling in weird jap or chinese, and like pestering you -.- seriously do they have a chinese girls fetish or smthing. damnit. and the funniest thing would be when they ask us three where we're from. at e beginning we tried the 'england, singapore and hongkong' thing. after awhile, we just burst out laughing everytime they asked us. haha.

octopus :D yumyum! hahaha. had so much octopus & calamari when we were there. kaylene and i were on a pure seafood diet. so gooood!

making friends with random greeks (: hahaha. i must say the greeks are super friendly ppl!

at the acropolis. an amphitheatre they excavated. way gorgeous.

my greek goddess pose in front of a temple on the acropolis. haha

the city of athens (: beautiful isn't it.

more scenery from the acropolis

the parthenon behind us (: PARTHENON MARBLES!!!

more ruins atop the acropolis.. they just take your breath away. it makes you fully appreciate how young we are, and how old this world is. haha.

a sakura tree on the acropolis hill in the middle of nowhere. hahaha.

mummy & baby at lunch (: i heart this girl so much so much. we're going to live together next yr. its hilarious how ppl immediately look for her when they see me. its like we have the same lectures, classes and activities. we're like joined at the hips alr -.-

we had so much calamari on this trip. but it was soooo good :D

veal stew with saffron rice. omg. this was the best i tell you. finished EVERYTHING. hahaha.

grilled octopus. reminded me of takopachi ):

tilt ur head to the left. haha, that's me with my script in the athens airport, where we spent 13 hours waiting for our flight -.- i spent 5 hours memorising my scenes. doinks.

tired girl sleeping uncomfortably on the metal chairs. haha. we were shifting around e whole time we slept cos every position would cause one part to go numb -.-

the view from the plane on our way home ((:

okk. i'm off to get ready for korean dinner. yumyum. i heart friday night dinners after floorball. haha.

finally back home. oh god. its so so good to be back home. we slept in the athens airport for like 13 hours waiting for our flight. absolute madness.

god my neighbours are fucking noisy.

anyway, greece was absolutely lovely (((: despite all the drama mayhem. haha. i definitely want to go back to e greek islands. greek food is swoons. yummyyummy. hahaha. i love the mix of small town quaint-ness and all that history. the architecture and sites are breath-taking. it makes me so thankful to be alive. and truly appreciate how damn beautiful this world is (:

thank god for angela & kaylene. otherwise this trip would have been one hell of a disaster.

more tmr!

i'm going to be stranded in athens -.- fucking WONDERFUL! stupid greek civil service must go on strike for one day, on the day i'm going home. so yes, i'm stranded. and i might end up spending vday in athens. which is freaking WOOHOOO! but then again i got two pretty girls with me :p ahahaha. maybe i'll go find myself a cute little greek boy for vday. smirks.

but other than that fucking annoying fact (i apologise for my vulgarities. ming and mel's eyes must be burning off), athens is pretty wonderful (((: hahaha. freaking ass cold. but yes beautiful beautiful place. very soothing and relaxing too. quaint would be the word. haha. i'm off to see the acropolis and parthenon marbles that my property lawyer keeps waxing lyrical about -.- angela's favourite two words for the past 2 weeks have been 'PAR-the-NON maaarrrbles' hahaha.

let's do hope i get back soon -.-

i haven't felt so zi bei in so long

bounces about (((: this week is looking to be a good week. one hell of a busy tiring week. but good good (: hahaha. here are e reasons why:

1. I FINALLY BOUGHT MYSELF A HOLGA! a yellow one at that (: ahahaha. from ebay. so i'm super psyched about taking medium format pictures. whoopeee. plus i bought velvia film. i can't wait for pretty pictures (((:

2. cny :D even though i won't be in spore for cny )): chongs is back in spore! haha. but i adore my lse darlings. and they're like my family alr. so spending with them is as good. i've got cny eve dinner tmr, dinner on thurs, suka on fri, and maybe a home-cooked one on sat.

3. its reading week next week. wheeeee. only lawyers get reading week. heh.

4. i'm off to athens for 3 days on monday :D i can't absolutely wait. to walk the winding streets, to climb up to the acropolis. eeks. with angela & kaylene too. yayy. hahaha. plus we're staying at this adorable boutique hotel kaylene found. fresh air! i can't wait.

5. quite a few rehearsals coming up (: it feels like we're finally getting started properly. haha. i'm super excited about the play.

the only sucky thing is that i've got an public law essay presentation due on fri. and two essays due e week after reading week. BAH. plus housing issues -.-

but all is looking up (: i'm happy happy. haha. the 3 hour phonecall i had with hongmin last night was ((: made me mucho happy. ahaha. but yes, as happy as i am -.- i need to do my essay. bah.

: dream catch me :: newton faulkner :

oooh. fuck you. i'm so pissed. seriously. had enough of this rumours shit alr.

i think i should really learn my lesson and shut my mouth. narrow down my confidantes list. damnit.

on the other hand, i heart angie (: hello sweetheart. hahaha. and all cos of what you always say, i had that bloody dream. BAHHHHH. hahaha. but i still heart you. grins.

i think i'm really a person of contradictions. i can't seem to understand myself sometimes.
over the past few months, i've finally gotten over alot of things. moved on. let go. given up. and i think i finally have that space in me to take in more. i was so surrounded and filled up with memories that i lived in the past and not seeing the present. everything feels like its the way it should be. in place. but yet, nothing is as easy as it seems.

and at the same time, i feel lik i'm not having enough alone time. haha. see the contradiction? i love just sitting in my room. having a cup of tea, reading my book, watching my dramas. i can get pretty anti-social. to the point where angela & jen keeps telling me i need to get out. haha. ah wells.

then there are the smells. i'm extremely sensitive to smells. i might not be able to identify fragrances, but i can recognise someone by their smell. bvlgari aqua, the smell of rachel's clothes, smell of my parent's room, fresh linen, coffee, my maid's shampoo, smell of stale smoke on a few ppl, smell of rain, freshly cooked rice, burnt butter and so many more. everytime i smell something like that, it triggers off a whole chain of memories and emotions. haha. that's why i sometimes zone out.

and despite me really disliking smoking, and the actual smell of smoke being exhaled. cos of ppl and the play, i've actually come to terms with alot of that. i still don't approve of smoking, but i realise i do quite like the smell of the cigarette itself. which is rather fucked up. hahaha. i won't smoke.. but after playing with the cigarette the whole day yesterday, i realise my fingers smelled of it. and it wasn't an unpleasant smell. to me at least. haha. what a joke right.

just cos i'm tired of thinking and cos i've never been good at words. i shall continue my entry in pictures :p of places, things i want to do or miss. i love photographs. i think i'm going to get a holga (: digital cams just don't quite do it for me anymore.. its useful for like ppl snapshots and for mass shooting. but when it comes to scenes u want to keep forever. there's nothing like a manual camera. haha.

thank god i'm going to athens in two weeks. i need some time off from everything that is london. its just been an overload. haha. i think i'm really nurturing this escapist aspect of me -.- i can't stay in a place for too long without wanting to run. and yet i crave stability in others. wtf. haha. i'm screwed. whoopee. i rmb having this convo with deb about escapism a long time ago.

: ai de jiu shi ni :: wang lee hom :

i'm really trying to stop myself from sinking deeper. i'm afraid of the fall. of hitting the bottom. i don't know how much i can take anymore. i don't want to end up all cynical.